Letter to the editor

I have so much I want to say. I’ve been thinking and reading and talking with friends about politics, writing, writers, the state of the country, the world, AI, the Constitution, the Civil Rights movement. I write scraps of ideas for posts and essays, but don’t get far with them. I promise myself I will return to them, and perhaps I will. I reworked an essay I started some time ago and really tightened it up—500 words that I thought worked well. My opening line: I’ve been shot only once. The next part: By my brother Gary. With his BB gun. It was an accident, of course. And we were kids—he, at 11, was four years older than me. Once I got to the point where I could stop and read it to myself, I wondered: what is my point? Why am I writing about this? Originally it was going to say something about guns (my brother was a life-long collector) and gun laws (my brother supported safety laws and no one would have guessed how many guns he (safely) stored in his apartment). Am I really adding anything new or different to the topic that so many people have written about brilliantly? Really, I just wanted to tell a couple stories about my brother that I see as connected now that his life is complete. Really, I just want to write out my grief to share with everyone. To say: look at how interesting this guy was and listen to this funny story from when we were kids and how it connects to what I learned about his gun collection after he died and can you believe he died at only 50 years old because sometimes I can’t. I can’t believe he turned 50; finished his bachelor’s degree; received a stage 4 pancreatic cancer diagnosis. It really is the worst.

One thing I did write and get published was a letter to the editor of my hometown paper. Never mind that when they published it online, they included my phone number [insert skull emoji here]. I didn’t receive any calls or anything—I wouldn’t have known it was included if a colleague hadn’t breached the paywall to get a screenshot—but it seemed like a bad idea to have my name and number on their website. So I changed my phone number. My stepdad mailed me clip of the letter. This is what I’ve been thinking about.

The Joy of Paul

Paul the cat came into our lives about eight months after I moved in with my then boyfriend (now husband), DS, in 2001.

Paul Portrait

Beautiful Paul cat

DS had bought a home that I shared with him and we decided to adopt a cat or two.

DS, me, and his daughter, AMS, all went to the local pound where we spent hours looking at the available cats. AMS found a black female cat that was missing her tail and connected with her immediately. The cat was two-years-old and AS decided that was the one for her. She named her Bailey and we still have her with us.

I also chose a cat, but he was sick (a respiratory infection, I think…not sure), and because we were adopting two cats, they wouldn’t let us adopt the sick one along with the healthy one. We had been there for a long time and decided to leave with just Bailey.

A week later, Bailey was STILL hiding under the futon upstairs in DS’s office. I was frustrated. “What’s the point of having a cat if you never see it?” I asked DS. “I’m going to go adopt another one.”

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Young Paul in Florida

This time I went by myself because DS had to work, and AMS had returned to her mom’s house. The visit took hours (again), as I looked at them all, and tried to decide which one connected with me. Finally, I had decided on three cats located in the display cases at the front of the building.

Two of the cats were quite gorgeous–exotic looking fur and beautiful faces. The third was Paul who looked quite average compared to the other two. Just a big, black and white cat who was waving his paw in my face.

Young Paul

Goofy, beloved cat

I asked an attendant if I could see the three cats (one at a time of course). I picked up the first one, and he immediately started fussing and trying to get out of my arms. He didn’t want to be held. The second one did the same thing. Finally, we opened Paul’s cage and the attendant handed him to me, and Paul fell back in my arms like a baby, totally trusting. He was calm and sweet and wanted to be held.

I told the attendant he was the one for me; we put him back in the cage and started filling out paperwork. I distinctly remember watching a volunteer go get him once my paperwork was finished, and when she opened the cage door, he was sitting there and she leaned her forehead in and he put his forehead against hers. It was so sweet.

They put him in his cardboard travel box and I put him in my car and drove him home.

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Hiding in the plants at our Florida home

I think DS was already home when I returned, and I brought the box in and let Paul out. DS thought he was a gorgeous cat, but was surprised by his size. He was 17 lbs. For some reason, it didn’t occur to me that that was big for a cat.

As we’re sitting there with Paul, Bailey starts creeping down the stairs to see what’s going on and proceeds to lose her shit when she sees Paul. There is much hissing and growling, but Paul backed down pretty quickly (he’s a lover, not a fighter), and they became friends soon after.

PaulandBailey

The early years with Bailey and Paul in Florida.

Bailey and Paul

The later years with Bailey and Paul in Illinois.

All was well, and we watched as Paul checked out the room. He walked over to DS’s black leather couch and started using it as a scratching post. The cat had been in the house for 30 minutes or so, and this was his first action (after hissing at Bailey). We chastised him and he moved on to attacking the toys that Bailey had left alone all week. Then he started climbing the couch again.

“That cat’s crazy,” DS says. “I don’t think he’s meant to be inside. You should take him back.” He said Paul had to be kept in the laundry room until then, away from the rest of the house.

DS and I have rarely fought in our fifteen-year relationship, but this was one of our first fights and it was a doozy.

I’m fairly committed to the idea that once I’ve brought an animal home from the pound/rescue, there is NO WAY I’m returning it. That’s why I don’t make those decisions lightly. I will do what I need to do to make it work.

Me and Paul

A girl and her cat

So, that night there was much screaming and crying on my part, demanding that Paul stay, that I’ve made a promise to him, that I would move out with him before I take him back to the pound. On and on and on…I cried myself to sleep. I don’t remember DS fighting back much, but he must have because I remember going on and on. Maybe I was just trying to wear him down.

The next morning I woke up, eyes swollen from crying the night before. DS was already downstairs. I walked down and there was Paul, sitting in the living room, looking at me. “He’s on supervised visitation,” DS said and I knew he was softening and Paul would get to stay. We took him and Bailey to be declawed; that was our compromise. (Though now I’m better educated on that procedure and will not put our future cats through such an experience. Nail trimming only.)

We’ve both been so grateful to have that fat, silly cat in our lives. I call him my first dog–he came when called; he loved sitting on laps and being cuddled. He was completely unperturbed by any dog that entered our household. When we adopted Rigby, a 10-year-old pomeranian mix, he was ambivalent, and would lounge on a dining room chair, swatting at her backend. She was oblivious.

Paul and Rigby

Rigby and Paul

I had guinea pigs and recently found a video of one of them running around our living room floor; Paul looks intrigued, but jumps out of the way whenever the pig runs in his direction.

When he first met Sgt. Pepper, the youngest dog I had adopted up to that point, I thought for sure her energy would freak him out. Pepper skipped into the living room of our rental house in Illinois, and Paul sat on the floor completely unmoved. Bailey, on the other hand, ran for her life.

Begging for food 1

Sgt. Pepper and Paul begging for food. Pepper was approaching the end of her life here; she had cancer, which is why she’s so swollen.

And it’s been the same story with Jojo and Lucy. If he were younger, I think he’d enjoy wrestling with them–especially Lucy, who is smaller, and who seems to love Paul.

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Always wanting to sleep on the newest blanket available

In Florida, he’d sunbathe and chase lizards on our porch, and he was always begging for food from the table. At Christmas, we would wrap up catnip in paper and he would unwrap it with his teeth, excited to get at the contents.

Spence and all the critters

Critters snuggling with DS. (Minus Bailey who is not a snuggler)

I remember sitting in the living room in the Florida house one day and Paul came running through at high speed. He had a piece of yarn hanging from his mouth. I didn’t think much of it until he kept running–back and forth. DS finally grabbed him and it turned out he’d swallowed half the yarn. He was panicking. DS pulled it out of his mouth and a crisis was averted.

Paul Window Blinds

Paul on my desk. He broke the blinds by going in and out of them so much.

He’s kept us company for 15 years. Making us laugh. Driving us crazy. (We had to rethink his feeding schedule when we realized he would cry (loudly) in our bedroom in the morning until we got up to feed him. We changed it to evening feedings for wet food.) Comforting us. Bringing us joy.

We learned he had cancer a few years ago. It’s a type of lymphoma, I believe. It has a high mortality rate, and one time in 2013, we thought we were going to lose him. His vet gave him a dose of medicine. “This might help him for a week. It might help for a month. We’ll see how it goes,” the vet said. Here we are, three years later and only now has his health declined more.

Paper Reading

Reading the paper

He’d been pawing at his mouth a lot over the last couple months, and when we took him in to be looked at, his gums were inflamed and some teeth needed to be pulled. Not an inexpensive procedure, but after some thought, I’d decided I would pay it if it would help him be comfortable for a little longer. Age has caught up with him. His fur isn’t like it was, and he’s down to 11 lbs. But he’s still as hungry as ever, so I thought that was a good sign.

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Critter butts

Me and critters

Nothing better than relaxing with the critters.

I dropped him off for the dental, but the vet called me later to say she did an x-ray and it looked like cancer was in the jaw bone. When I first told my mom about Paul’s mouth problems, cancer was her first guess due to the experience one of her friend’s had with her dog’s teeth (and because Paul is living with cancer already). She was right.

Sleeping with Jojo

Snoozing with Jojo

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Chilling with Lucy

It’s painful saying goodbye to such a good and devoted friend. He’s 17-years-old. He’s brought us happiness for 15 years. He has been such a joy. It’s sad letting him go, but what more can I ask from this furry little creature than for the delight he’s already given to all of us for so many years (though we always want more years). And what more can a friend do but find a way to ease that furry companion’s pain, and hold him in her arms, and thank him for being part of her life.

Family Portrait

Paul recently pushing his way between me and DS when we were next to each other on the couch. He’s brought us such laughter.

funeral prep

Today I went with mom to make her funeral arrangements.

She’s doing well and feeling good, and it seems those are the times she can talk about death and dying openly. When she’s ill, or when the spectre of death seems too close, the last thing she wants to think about are the details of funeral planning and obituary writing. It’s too scary. Only when the idea is abstracted can we face it directly.

I didn’t hesitate to say yes when she asked me to go.  My stepdad didn’t think she should do it, and he wouldn’t go with her to do it.  He defaults to dark humor to slap away any serious conversations about death and dying. I think it’s how he was raised…you didn’t talk about such things. Having studied Buddhism for so long, I know it’s a fool’s errand to pretend that we won’t die. One of my favorite quotes says, “The problem is you think you have time.” It’s attributed to Buddha and it says everything.

We arrived early to the funeral home, and I felt a bit awkwardo because people were also arriving for a funeral/showing. I always want to show the utmost respect for those grieving, and I wasn’t expecting our business to be handled in the same areas as people who were crying for a loved one. I mean, we were in different rooms, but I would have thought we would have been in a different part of the building. Maybe I overthink things.

Because we were early, we waited in a cafe (yes, the funeral home had a cafe and were serving Starbucks coffee. Say what?) One of the reasons mom wanted me to come, besides giving her general support, is because she plans to be cremated and wants to buy me and my brother a keepsake where we can hold her ashes. Something small so she’ll always be with us. The cafe also displayed a number of urns and other ways to remember loved ones. We were walking around, commenting on these items. We saw a brochure listing items that could be used as carriers for cremains, and it had a section for jewelry.

JEWELRY!

Now, I don’t know if you know me personally, but I love jewerly, particularly turquoise. It is my favorite stone and I wish to be bedazzled in it. And when I opened up the brochure, one of the first items I saw was a silver medallion with a turquoise bead.”I want that!” I said, pointing to the photo of the pendant like a child picking out a christmas present. “I love it!” 

We walked to one of the couches to look at the brochure, and I remembered I was not simply picking out a necklace. “Mom, I have to say this is one of the most bizarre conversations I’ve ever had. It’s kind of weird being so excited about a necklace, then remembering, Oh, Yeah, this is going to carry mom’sashes.” She laughed and said it didn’t bother her. This was the time to talk about such things.

The meeting took two hours and there were a lot of details to go through. I mean, a lot. It made me want to get my arrangements made just so no one has to do it for me because it’s a lot to deal with. They have all her family members’ names for the obituary, and some fun facts about her. I tried to get her to include her cat’s name in the obit, but she thought that wouldn’t look too good considering she’d opted to not name all seven of her half-siblings, which cracked me up.

Her urn is a beautiful biodegrable box with buterflies carved in to it. It’s a work of art. She loves it. We specified the details of her very small service. There were so many details to consider. So many.

When we left, she thanked me for being there with her, helping with decisions and asking questions. I asked her if she felt better.  She said she felt much better now that it was all taken care of. 

And that is what matters.

Bonus moments

I wept on my return drive to Illinois.

Specifically, I cried while leaving Newark, and making my way west through Columbus. I am sometimes so struck by grief at the passing moments, and the people who’ve passed; I often feel completely engulfed in mourning and joy, simultaneously. This world, this orb we walk upon is so damn extraordinary. It is weird and beautiful.

As Oliver Sacks recently wrote before leaving this world: “Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.”

It is such a privilege, filled with elation and pain.

My mom. My mom, my mom, my mom.

She is my favorite person on this big ol’ planet. She and my father, both, but dad died nine years ago, so he lives with me in a different way.

She is a good listener and good conversationalist. The longer I live, the more I realize how rare are these traits. How often I’ve been with people who ask nary a question after I’ve asked them several. Conversations are hard to start that way. When I find people who are good listeners and good conversationalists, I hold on to them for dear life.

But mom. She’s a good listener and she remembers my stories. If I’ve mentioned a co-worker or a friend more than once, she will remember their names; she will remember my history with them; she will ask after them; if they were facing a particular dilemma that I told her about, she will ask how things worked out. She prays for us. For our guardian angels to keep us all safe.

Mom has cancer. She has been living with cancer since 2000. The first was breast cancer. A lumpectomy, followed by a partial mastectomy and a chemo called the Red Devil because it makes people so violently ill, and the cancer never returned. Four year laters, though, ovarian cancer showed up.

She found the cancer at a fairly early stage through a series of events that seem so random and arbitrary that it makes even a cynic like me wonder whether there is some divine power involved–but that story will be told another time.

For now, mom. Who has experienced chemo side effects that would have been fit punishments in Dante’s Inferno. It boggles my mind to see and hear some of the side effects she’s known in her life with cancer. It’s frightening how much the body can hurt.

But. She has been well as of late. Her tumor markers are rising slowly, but her maintenance chemo seems to be holding them within a reasonable level. And she feels okay. Even after chemo, she feels not so bad. She’s enjoying herself–in spite of her neuropathy, her constantly watering eyes, her leg cramps, her general achiness. When we get ready to go shopping, she pops some pain medication in anticipation that all the walking will make her sore. But, damn it, she is ALWAYS ready to go shopping.

And she enjoys herself. A song called “Honey, I’m Good” came on the radio when we were in the car. “This is the song I told you about!”she said while turning up the radio so I could hear it in the backseat. “Isn’t it catchy?” With its twangy country feel, I wasn’t impressed. “I think I hate it,” I said and she protested and told me to keep listening.

The next day it was just the two of us going shopping in the next city over. “You know, I can play that silly song you like whenever I want,” I said and she lit up and said she wanted to hear it.

On the way to the store we were too preoccupied with chatting, but on the way back she asked me to find the song. “Ugh,” I said while searching through Spotify, and she poo pooed my protest.

When the song came on, she started dancing in her seat. Moving her arms and head with the music, changing up her moves as necessary to fit the beat. And I laughed. Hysterically. If I had video, it would have gone viral. I laughed through the entire song. My sides ached from laughing. And she was totally earnest in her dancing, keeping it up until the song finished.

And this is my mom: so many surgical scars, numb feet, blackened fingernails, thinning chemo hair, yet still dancing. Still laughing.  Still making me laugh. Still shopping.

The Tibetan monk Thich Nhat Hanh had a stroke some months ago. His recovery has been challenging, but he accepts it with grace. A friend of his said that every moment he has with Thay now are bonus moments, and he’s just so grateful for them.

There have been many instances when I prepared for the worst regarding mom. There were scenarios that didn’t look like they’d get better. But then the did. She jokes that she has outlived her expiration date.

And I cry when I leave because I know a day will come when a bad scenario won’t get better. It will happen to us all, of course, but it feels more tangible when the person is going to the doctor regularly for news about her health. 

And I dread that day. Just the thought if it chokes me with grief.

Every time I leave her, I hope that we’ll have a chance for another fun visit where she is feeling pretty okay.

I am just so thankful for the bonus moments. They are precious and fleeting, and bring me such joy.