I got my first tattoo last week.

In my head, I’ve been planning my first tattoo for years. I’ve always liked tattoos (generally) but it took a long time to decide what to get. 25-year-old me had considered a Grateful Dead bear. 42-year-old me would have been SOOO over that by now.

There was also the problem that I was obsessively afraid of blood-borne illnesses (specifically HIV) from the ages of 19-30. I mean, bordering on neuroses. I mean, if I had grown up in an environment/in a time when people knew to encourage mental health care, I’m sure I would have been sent off for mental health care. Instead, I grew up in a time/in a place where you were told to Stop Worrying. Stop. It. Going to get mental health care was more of a threat than a solution (because that must mean you’re “really crazy.”). When I look back at some of the moments where I was utterly overwhelmed by fear of already having HIV (having caught it in some inexplicable, yet-undiscovered way), I don’t know how I was able to keep from having a complete come apart. I don’t know how the center held except that I had some spark of reason deep in my brain that kept me from sinking into complete and long term despair. I knew that I didn’t have HIV and sometimes that spark of reason would bubble up and chase away the shadows.

This fear was a defining feature for those who knew me during this time. I guess I basically outgrew it? When I met the man who would become my husband, I insisted we both get tested and they came back negative, which eased my fear. My life got busier. Scientists developed treatments for HIV. The stigma of the disease lessened (the stigma, I think, was the impetus for my fear). I remember reading some years back that young people viewed HIV as just another STD that was out there, that totally bent my mind. It was nothing less than a death sentence to me, during which people would avoid you. When I told my mom, my brother, my high school best friend and one of my close friends from Florida about the tattoo, all of them mentioned remembering my fear. That’s when I realized it must have left an impression on them, too. But I’m happy to say I’ve moved past the fear. (It helps that all needles are single use/disposable and I still had the artist walk me through the sterilization process.)

I’d been seriously considering a sugar skull tat with my parents’ birth year underneath it. I was pretty certain that’s what it would be. I didn’t know the location…I was leaning toward my wrist, but thought it might be a bit too big. I didn’t want to get sick of looking at it, but I also didn’t want it to be someplace where I would never see it. I thought it might be a bit more expensive than I could afford. As I’ve become more and more serious about veganism, I started thinking about the symbolism associated with that. (Side note: I have to say veganism has become pretty close to a religion to me. It’s a daily opportunity to put into practice the beliefs I hold. I want to avoid hurting animals as much as possible. I want to help them as much as possible. I saw this really wonderful quote from Natalie Portman who summed it up beautifully:

“There’s a reason why every major religion has food rules. Because three times a day, you’re forced to think about your morality and your ethics and what you believe in. The reason you eat what you do—even not religion, but just culturally…why you eat a cow but now a dog—represents something in who you are and how you think about things.”

Sometimes it’s an effort to look away from the milk chocolate. It’s difficult to pass on the Björn sandals because they’re made of leather. To decline a dish because it has eggs. I realize people may think I’m being a pain in the ass (my mom says I’m an extremist), but I take my reasoning behind it to heart. I don’t know if I’m making a difference (or even if I’ve removed myself as completely as I can from the system of exploiting animals), but I’m doing my damndest while I’m on this earth.)

I started toying with the idea of the Cruelty Free bunny. The Leaping Bunny—both symbols of cruelty free products. I thought about the vegan “v” or the word Ahimsa. And a paw print (representing my dogs, my cats and all dogs/cats/animals) was always in the mix. It wasn’t until I went with my best friend from high school and her daughter to get her daughter’s tattoo (she committed quite quickly to her tattoo and got it the day after she turned 18!) that I thought about going small first. The daughter got two small, cool tats!

There is an all vegan shop in New Hampshire that I tried to get in to, but they are booked often and it’s a 3 hour trip, so that didn’t work out this time. Instead, I contacted the shop where I get my piercings and spoke with an artist there about her inks. She said the black ink was vegan, so I made the appointment. The day before I went in, I started thinking: Maybe I should add this. Maybe I should add that. I started getting a bit overwhelmed with the idea and decided, Nope. I’m sticking with my paw print. It represents a lot to me—veganism, my love of animals. That’s what I did. And I’m happy with it. I already have an idea for a second tattoo, but I like the simplicity of this one so well that I may stick with one. We’ll see.